As it stands, commercial cyber security looks about as staunch as bank security in the 1920s. Robberies will happen, and there’s not much the bespectacled man behind the counter can do about it. The size of the company doesn’t matter either. It may even hurt. This calendar year alone — all five weeks of it — has seen the compromise of titans like Sony and Adobe. Home Depot, Target, and a number of celebrity iCloud accounts have been subject to recent hacking as well.
This is made all the more terrifying, given that we are soldiering toward an age of digital currency. Chase Bank now lets you pay with a phone and fingerprint. No thanks. I’ve seen too many heist movies.
In these trying times, it’s important to turn to those with experience. Those who have the wisdom of years governing their judgements. I went to my Uncle Darrell to discuss personal cyber security in the 21st century. My dad usually rolls his eyes when Uncle Darrell gets brought up in conversation, but I remember the man being full of great advice when I was a kid. What follows is a brief question and answer session with one of my childhood role models.
Me: “Uncle Darrell, thanks for joining me today to share your knowledge.”
Uncle Darrell: “Well of course. Anything to get your generation back on track.”
Me: “Great. It seems that in the digital age, advanced coding knowledge is the equivalent of a 12-gauge shot gun. The difference being, perpetrators can commit cybercrime from anywhere.”
UD: “Damn straight. That’s why I always carry a concealed firewall everywhere I go. And before you ask, hell yeah I got a permit. I’m a U.S. citizen.”
Me: “So you take personal cyber security into your own hands?”
UD: “I gotta protect what’s mine, don’t I? In fact, I think every citizen in this country should learn how to program. That way, if you see a hacker, you can hack ‘em first before he harms anyone else.”
Me: “I see. But don’t you think it might be dangerous if everyone was capable of hacking everyone else?”
UD: “Hell naw. Anyone who’s in this country legally has the Constitutional right to bare a computer.”
Me: “I’m going to pull up a .pdf to verify that…”
UD: “I’m not sayin’ we should teach felons how to code or nothin’, but if you take the ability to hack outta the hands of the good American people, the bad guys are still gonna hack innocent civilians.”
Me: “That seems like a valid point. Should the government then—”
UD: “No.”
Me: “You didn’t let me finish.”
UD: “I already know my answer’s gonna be no.”
Me: “But there has to be some sort of regulatory system.”
UD: “If the government starts decidin’ who gets to learn Java and who don’t, that’s how we end up with fascism.”
Me: “You kind of bring up a point. The government and military have prioritized cyber security for decades. The danger has been on the commercial and personal account front. Even large companies have been attacked. So, how does an honorable American citizen trust that they can engage in commerce with any company given the current state of affairs?”
UD: “One, Sony’s owned by foreigners, so cross them off the list. Two, Target’s just fancy Walmart tryin’ to take people for a ride and get ‘em spendin’ an extra fifty-five cents on body wash. Three, if you don’t take neked pictures of yourself, no one can find ‘em. And last, I’ve shopped at Lowe’s all my life. Their great prices and friendly customer service make it a one-stop-shop for any home improvement project.”
Me: “Pardon me for saying this Uncle Darrell, but it sounds like you have an agenda.”
UD: “See ya at Easter, kid.”
Danny Neely
Danny Neely is a K-State student majoring in food science and journalism & mass communications. He likes writing, comedy, and wearing trendy glasses.
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